Vol. Ill December, 1921
SDItAT NOKTHenN RAILWAY COMPANY.
-'!:— ft.-.. ..i_
Svcted, r -
— atlm t. -*! c st
or nxahar «f « r ,3 of
^!s the story!
If our Winter Annuals had been loaded at one time Cap-
tain Billy would have filled an entire mail train. Here-
after, G- 'or will have 1
Ban. 1 because of our enor-
lull month, a!! > be
America's Magazine of
Wit, Humor and
Vol. III. No. 28
Published \\T T_J T7oi«/»fitt at Robbinsdale,
Monthly « v • **• rdWlClL, Minnesota
Rural Route No. 2
Entered as second - class matter May. I, 1920, at the post office at
Robbinsdale. Minnesota, under the
Act of March 3. 1879.
Price 25 cents $2.50 per year
ONE DOLLAR FOR THE WINTER ANNUAL
Contents of this magazine are copyrighted. Republication of any part
permitted when properly credited to Capt. Billy's Whiz Bang.
"We have room for but one soul loyalty and that ie
loyalty to the American people. — Theodore Roosevelt.
By W. H. Fawcett
Captain Billy's Whiz Bang employs no solicitors.
Subscriptions may be received only at authorized news
stands or by direct mail to RobLLisdale. We join in no
clubbing offers, nor do we give premiums. Two-fifty a
year in advance.
Edited by a Spanish and World War Veteran and
dedicated to the fighting forces of the United States
Captain Billys Whiz Bang
!Jiiirrn]iiniimiiiiihi minimi mil i [minimi mini
1 Drippings From the Fawcett j
IT IS a long jump from a one-horse town
like Robbinsdale to the land of deciduous
fruits, forbidden fruits, fruitless fruits,
movie stars, reformers, abilone euff links, out-
door plumbing and all-night burglar service —
meaning California, of course.
I am at this writing occupying a room in
that well known San Francisco hostelry which
"Fatty" Arbuckle tried to convert into an ice-
house. The only kick I have against the St.
Francis is that the room clerk assigned me to
twin beds. Being of a bullsheviki theosophical
frame of mind and also very lonesome, I moved
the other twin alongside my twin and slept
soundly ever after.
Lolled around for two weeks at the Alex-
andria, in Los Angeles, and before that at a
hotel at Coronado that fairly "oozed" hos-
pitality, although older than the handles on
There is an ancient quip about the three
divisions of liars — plain liars, d liars and
Native Sons. Also there used to be one that
went something like this: "The miners came
in '49 and the janes in '51," etc., etc. But they
Captain Billys Whiz Bang
are both all wrong. Despite what Gus' brother
said about Robbinsdale not being a one-horse
town after he had spent a week wearing the
"white wing" vestments, I am willing to admit
that Los Angeles and San Francisco have
opened the eyes of an inquisitive farmer from
the aforesaid Robbinsdale.
They seem to have everything here including
the Whiz Bang — and in this connection permit
an old farmer the privilege of remarking that
the leading California news distributors,
Egbert Brothers, tell me the little old Banger
leads all 25-cent magazines in California in the
matter of circulation.
So Robbinsdale is on the map in California
even if we don't call our hen-coops "Renaissance
architecture" and our dog-houses "Colonial
* * *
WE LANDED in Los Angeles just in time
to plunk down in the center of a quarrel
between expert fanatics and the motion
picture people. A flock of moonbeam-chasing
neurasthenic preachers insist that evil was not
brought into the world by the serpent in Eden
but was created by Thomas Edison, who in-
vented the motion picture machine.
The latest synthetic scheme of the reformers
calls for Los Angeles censorship for every
picture manufactured and exhibited in the city.
If the "long hairs" get away with it — and we
don't think they will — it will be a huge moral
Captain Billy s Whiz Bang
vcitory. Los Angeles youth will then be lim-
ited to such amusement as may be gleaned from
shooting craps, joy-riding, dancing at road-
houses, poker and looking for one's umbrella.
This umbrella story has spinach on it, but
in small towns like Robbinsdale it is still good.
Has to do with the church-goer who arose hur-
riedly and left the church as the pastor was in
the midst of reading the Ten Commandments.
He explained to the pastor afterward that it
had just been recalled to his memory where he
had left his umbrella.
However, we didn't travel all the way out
to California to find our umbrella — or to lose
one — and it is nobody's business except our old
Minneapolis friend, Dick Ferris, if we did.
Dick is living at the Alex in Los Angeles and
is one of Southern California's most popular
and esteemed citizens. Dick has begun bobbing
his hair since his early days in Minneapolis,
but says that if hair was brains an old-fash-
ioned parlor sofa would be vice president.
Dick is one of the best entertainers in the
Southland. One can step inside the "Ferris
Harem" almost any time of day or night and
meet anybody from "diggers of the ditches" to
the "dignitaries of the ducats."
Roscoe Sarles, famous race driver; Bill
Pickens, Barney Oldfield's old manager; Julian
Eltinge, the actor; Harry Grayson, sports
editor of the Express; "Scotty" Chisholm, golf
editor and star; King Young publicity director
Captain Billy's Whiz Bang
for Kathrine MacDonald's pictures; Ham
Beall, another publicity director extraordinary;
Bob Henderson, wealthy oil operator and owner
of the most beautiful home I have ever spilled
ashes in — these are only a few of the legion
of good fellows with whom I had the pleasure
of swapping stories at the Ferris chateau.
AND speaking of stories, I attended a
Motion Picture Press Agents' banquet
and heard a good one on the reformers.
According to the story, Rev. Wilbur F. Crafts
was addressing an audience of the hoi poili and
he started off bombastically like this: "You
cigar suckers; you cigarette suckers; you pipe
suckers — " At this juncture a tenor voice in
the rear of the hall sung out: "Hey, Doc, you
ain't going to forget us, are you?" Evidently
a willy boy with an all-day sucker in his hand.
Getting back to Dick Ferris, the former
Minneapolis theatrical magnate, is head of a
big taxi concern and on the side is a "promoting
fool." Rummaging around in one of Dick's
dresser drawers, I ran across a box containing
a pair of white silk pajamas. Inside was a card
which, in feminine scrawl, informed Dick that
they were to be worn when "Alone — and Feel-
ing Blue." Dick hasn't been able to wear them
— says he hasn't felt blue since Mt. Lassen was
a small hill.
Captain Billy's Whiz Bang
DURING our busy two weeks in Los An-
geles we found time to accept invitations
to inspect several motion picture studios,
among them Universal City and the Katherine
MacDonald studio. Miss MacDonald is a very
charming and very good-looking young woman
— and we feel sorry that such estimable young
artists as Miss MacDonald, Miss Bebe Daniels
and others must suffer some of the reflected
criticism that is brought against the motion
picture colony by the antics of some of the
lame-brained and low-browed satyrs and
Out at Universal, Director Eddie Laemmle
grabbed a picture of us in a wild-west scene —
a Minnesota farmer entirely surrounded by
cowboys and "Injuns."
While in the south I also enjoyed a trip to
Tia Juana, the Mexican Monte Carlo, just
across the border from San Diego. Started to
fly down from Rogers' airport in Los Angeles,
but had to confine my aerial pilgrimage to a
jaunt over the city and beaches. They don't
allow American planes to fly across the border
because there is so much booze running.
% * %
THROUGH the good offices of the Oil King
of Breckenridge, Texas, Bob Henderson,
it was our fortune to meet Vice Admiral
Wm. Shoemaker. We were gathered in Bob's
magnificent home in Los Angeles, formerly oc-
cupied by Mary Pickford and Mary Miles Min-
8 Captain Billy's Whiz Bang
ter (on the q. t., folks, you'll have to admit it
was pretty soft for a decrepit old Robbinsdale
farmer) indulging in the ornery duties of test-
ing the champagny contents of Robert's cellar.
It was while the sparkling bubbles bubbled
that the subject of a visit to Admiral Shoe-
maker's Pacific fleet bobbed up. Next day we
received a personal invitation from the Ad-
miral, who insisted that we board his barge at
the San Pedro dock. On the Red River of the
North my Dad hauled wheat for the Northern
Pacific railroad in a barge and not having been
on speaking terms with naval language I
assumed that a barge was a heluvan ugly look-
Imagine my surprise, please, when the bare-
foot jackies heaved ho with an immaculate
launch with three golden stars. Pretty soft
for a hardened old rascal, I claim. We rolled
on to the Flagship "Pennsylvania" and were
greeted by the Admiral's aide, Lieut. L. S.
Lewis. It was my first view of a battleship
and at once I was impressed with the fact that
the "Pennsylvania" probably could have licked
any of the numerous boats that father once
owned on the Red River. I was surprised to
learn that the 14-inch guns I had read about
were really about 40 feet long instead of 14
Anyway, we had a delightful time aboard
the "Pennsylvania" and it was the first time
in my life I ever cussed Josephus Daniels (say il
Captain Billy s Whiz Bang
sweet and low: "gawscli dam Mm") J ^ a ^ £ drink tea.
But the Admiral was a wonderful fellow— hale,
hearty and well met. We exchanged anecdotes
and spent a grand, though dry afternoon.
Lieutenant Lewis and his crew of noblemen
returned us to the dock in the starry BARGE.
Now in the day of retrospection I fain would
believe that the Admiral or his aide must have
been in collusion with the "Pennsylvania" gobs
because every last one of them either was bare-
footed or reading Sam Clark's Jim Jam Jems
or the little old Banger. Wonderful fellows,
these jackies, but the pesky cusses just insisted
on looking onward and upward (mostly up-
ward) when the fairly formed feminines in the
party mounted from deck to deck. They just
couldn't control their naughty eyes. Possibly
it had something to do with Bull of the Dur-
ham, for I am told that the sailor boys love
to roll their own.
* * *
NOW, Gentle Readers of this journal of
uplift, I have one little wee surprise for
you. Gus, my old time hired man, who
jumped the job two months ago, located and
surprised me at the Alexandria. Gus is a
pestiferous cuss and has the faculty of bobbing
up at the crucial moment. My "supply" had
given out and promptly, even more promptly
than had been his will to paint boats at Breezy
Point Lodge, he supplied the missing medicine.
It was "terrible stuff" but with the sailor boys
10 Captain Billy's Whiz Bang
I'll say — Any port in a storm. His juniper
juice created a tempest within me but I was
glad nevertheless once again to shake the hoary
hand of toil.
In parting I slipped Gus a five simoleon
note. He whispered that he was "on the rocks"
and hadn't worked since he left Minnesota.
We then and there entered into a gentleman's
agreement that he never again would work for
me unless his duties would be solely acting as
Indian guide &t Breezy Point at a wage of
nothing — except the maternal or fraternal
friendship of Maggie, our cook. Gus loves
Maggie, I think, but better still, he loves her
Adios to you, Gustav, and here's hoping I
don't see you till the fishing season next spring.
H 1 ^ =£
UST one more drop or so before turning
off the tap. It happened to be my good
luck to be invited by Bill Eltinge, better
known in the theatrical world as Julian, to at-
tend a stag party in honor of the Los Angeles
and Vernon baseball teams at the Maier brew-
ery in Los Angeles. Doc Stone was master of
ceremonies and he treated us lonely two hun-
dred homeless and wifeless old stags in a royal
manner. From a purely personal standpoint
there was but one action that marred the entire
evening. After being entertained to a realistic
view of the grand canyon and a wonderful
dance performed by Slim Summerfield and
Captain Billy's Whiz Bang 11
f .Tf.. , ,..,, ( ,.,...,i,t!t..,i.<jii!,.ii*,>[::-!m>[-'!'iTtii!;(!mmiLiNiiii<iuii i,ii!iiiii::ii:u;>;ii<:i>tt
mmiiiiiiiiimiiuniiiiiii:ttiiiiiiiiiii!i;«i;tiifi(:!iiiiiii:ittitittmmiiii(iii Utl imirailltnHW
Bobby Dunn of the Fox studio, the right hon-
orable toastmaster called on "Captain Billy
Whiz Bang" to recitate. Imagine a rube farmer
trying to spread the fertilizer over the raths-
keller of an up-to-date Loz Onglaz brewery.
Impossible, I'll say.
Here I had been trying all evening to "put
on the dog" with Frank Chance of Cub fame
next to me, Julian Eltinge, world renowned
actor, to my right, Dick Ferris, best known
privateer in the public eye in front of me, not
to mention such luminaries as Bill Essick,
Wade Killifer, Larry McGraw and Jack Mii-
ligan all around. Then there was "Shine"
Scott doing the honors back of the "near" beei
bar, and "Shine" is well known to every ball
player on the Pacific Coast. Oh, by the way, I
certainly cannot overlook the immortal Tod
Sloan. Either I followed Tod or he followed
me because it was my good fortune to drink
Manhattans with him in the Sunset Inn at Tia
Juana and near beer near here.
Now, readers, to tell the truth, it's quite
trying to write about this wonderful party
while the writer has a perfectly good Scotch
highball on the desk beside him. (Here goes
another "Happy Day.")
One must, as one says, review one's bunk
to see where one's left off. Talk about South-
ern hospitality, well, give me the Coast. Any-
way, I never made the speech. How could I
Captain Billy s Whiz Bang
after El tinge had brought tears of joy to mem-
bers of this famous gathering?
Like the lowly backward shyster of pedi-
greed bull that I am, I failed to carry out the
principles of my "deah" old friend Volstead.
(This effort calls for one Scotch heeball.) So
I walked upon the brewery stage. And when
I made my bow I'll tell you one thing which
every ball player and umpire of Southern Cali-
fornia will verify. The stein of near beer was
clutched fondly in my sturdy right hand.
It was a rotten speech — in fact, no speech at
all. My Los Angeles physician had prescribed
that I take "one tablespoonful in milk every
hour." The milkman and my watch both went
But I had a good time— an elegant time and
awakened next day with fond remembrances of
the morning after the night before.
* * *
THERE are still a few rumbling in San
Francisco regarding Arbuckle and his
now famous party. The stories they tell
are wonderful to listen to by way of teaching
us farmers what strange means certain persons
have devised to get a kick out of life.
For instance, as my friend Barney Google
would say, take this little "roomer":
Two of the numerous members of the party
decided to entertain their guests — the party
was "dragging" as it were. The form of en-
tertainment provided so I am told, was the kind
Captain Billy's Whiz Bang 13
few of us number among our accomplishments.
Somehow or other, we have never gotten over
that old-fashioned idea that certain ceremonies
listed in the regular catalog or otherwise, are
not for an audience. Rather, they are for
occasions dedicated solely to the gods and our-
And then there was another. That when
certain restrictive measures were indulged in,
the Arbuckle counsel had it whispered about
that should things get too strong, the defense
might allow the names of certain men and
women, socially prominent in San Francisco,
to be introduced as possible witnesses to testify
as to the actual happenings.
Needless to say, the well known Mr. and
Mrs. Consternation immediately entered upon
♦ # ♦
AND there was Captain Al Waddell, who
commanded a battery in our late fracas.
Al is the boy who made a hero out of
Cliff Durant out here — really put over the son
of the "Master Mind" of the automotive world,
W. C. Durant. Al, who knows everybody and
everything in California, might have made a
fortune in writing a Hearst feature about the
Durant divorce — but he's too busy selling the
Perfecto two-speed axles for Fords — whatever
they may be.
It seems that for six years young Cliff had
been telling his wife what to do. When he re-
14 Captain Billy's Whiz Bang
«lftni!ilMiiiii:!'r:i!jpsnim:un[iiMiiiii.[ niiimi<ii;iii>i uiiiiiiiiisiiirrrriiiiiiinii
turned from an important conference in New
York with his dad, who was still president of
the General Motors, she calmly announced :
"For six years I've been listening to you tell
me what to do. Now for six seconds just listen
to me tell you what to do." The inside of the
bomb contained these sweet tidings: "Just give
me one-half of what you own.*'
Since Cliff was worth eight or ten millions,
you'll advise it was disastrous news from the
front, inasmuch as she "made it stick."
And now, so the story goes, Cliff won't have
to worry and fret about any mysterious look-
ing gentleman coming to stop at his hotel at
Le Bee when he blows in.
THERE'S another echo from the town of
fogs and poodle dogs that doesn't ring
Just shortly after that infamous Howard
Street Gangsters affair the police raided a
"Love Nest." It seems that, regardless of race,
creed or color (or sex) you indulged your fav-
orite diversion while in the "Love Nest" with
your neighbor. Inasmuch as minors were in-
volved, there was another "Roman holiday"
expected for those who would crowd the
prisons. Just when they were getting ready
to point thumbs down, the defense asked for
continuance. "And on what grounds?" de-
manded the prosecution.
"So that we may bring witnesses — women of
Captain Billys Whiz Bang 15
high social rank in the city — to testify, by way
of the indisputable means of photographs, that
my clients are nothing more than artistic
photographers, specializing in taking photos of
women in the nude."
It is a rather singular fact that the con-
tinuance was granted, that little more was
heard about the case and that instead of being
sent to San Quentin for fifty years th3 de-
fendants got off with light sentences.
Asked how they could account for these
women posing in the Altogether, one of the
"Artistic photographers" replied, "Well, every
woman seems to feel that she has the form
* * *
RUNNING across old friends is one of the
best things you do on these jamborees.
Here in 'Frisco I found two old Minne-
apolis Journal men holding down important
jobs — Jim Callahan, now business manager of
the Examiner and generally considered one of
Hearst's "right hand" men, and Chris Helin,
manager of The Examiner's Automobile De-
partment. I am sorry to say that they are both
back sliders and wouldnt' trade the nip of the
peninsula for half of Minnesota.
Funny how these fellows go loco when they
reach California. Really, folks, you wouldnt'
expect your friends to try to sell you real
estate, would you?
16 Captain Billys Whiz Bang
MY VISIT to San Francisco was the first
since 1904, when I came home from do-
ing my Spanish-American war "bit" in
the Philippines. She's a different city since
the fire. California is a great state for new
building — buildings going up here and every-
where. Among other enterprises they are
building a lot of old missions, I understand.
Saw a sign over a Mission street doorway
reading: "Virtue & Co., Ltd." It used to be
"unlimited" here back in the Dupont street days
in 1904, but I thought that had all gone with
Am off for New York but hope now to come
* * *
A little glass of near-beer;
A little drop of ether,
Will make the world spin merrily,
In any kind of weather.
* * *
Times Are Improving
"How's business?" asked the passenger.
"Better," said the conductor as he shoved
his hands in his pockets, "I can feel the change
Fable of a Sap
He sltteth and enjoyeth
And Spendeth only
Captain Billy's Whiz Bang 17
An Opulent Love Letter!
Oh, dearie! just the lucid thought of your
love, yes just to think of it fills my combined
heart and soul with the most limpid fulgency.
Every time I think of you my erotic pumping
organ vibrates all through my body. It is just
your love that keeps my soul from sacrifice. One
minute I imagine you are exulting your thought
on me in the most wonderful way, and then I
feel, Oh, so strong and lusty, and it encounters
the greatest exultation of my life, but before
I know it the door flies open and the entire
thought escapes without impetus, and then the
next thing to come is a thought rather much
I just imagine you think very little of me
and that you are keeping it concealed just to
see how jejune you can drain my poor heart
from that pure living love of yours, and, Oh!
it makes me feel so impotent that I want to loll
my life away. It is just the lack of your levity
that hurts, and my heart turns gelid and cold
but after I carry that muse for a minute then
the most mellifluous thought comes to my mind
telling me that you are thinking of me in the
most elegant way and my eyes fly wide open
with fraught fulgency and I feel as though I
am floating on a lovely pink cloud eating ice
cream smothered in violets, and Oh !
It's a strong stomach that has no turning.
18 Captain Billy s Whiz Bang
"Grace is in luck."
"Two fellows are calling on her. One is a
florist and the other owns a candy store."
* # *
Eve bad no Christmas,
Neither did Adam,
Never wore socks,
Nobody bad 'em,
Never got cards.
Did they enjoy Christmas —
We'll say they did!
# # *
Pat and Mike Stuff
An Irishman, who was very drunk, was rid-
ing on the back platform of an old-fashioned
trolley car, and with every pitch and swerve
he would sway and nearly fall off. The con-
ductor's warning to be seated inside were
waived aside with "I'm all right."
Soon the car swung around a curve where
the bank was steep and rocky. The Irishman
swayed and pitched head-long down the bank,
being badly bruised and knocked unconscious.
While being carried back up the bank he
regained consciousness and asked: "Was any-
one hurt in the wreck?"
"There wasn't any wreck," replied the
conductor. "Begorra!" exclaimed the Irish-
man: "If I had known that I wouldn't have
Captain Billv's Whiz Bang 19
The City of Lost Angels
The following article, written by Rev. GoUghtly Morrill,
was inspired by a tour he made of the movie camps two
years ago. We cannot agree that Rev. Morrill's description
fits the present day Hollywood and Los Angeles. Indeed,
zve found the situation Quite pleasing. It is true thaJ: Los
Angeles is brimful of wim, wigor and zvitalitv, and why
shouldn't it be? If one zvas to take a thousand of the world's
most beautiful zcomen and implant them on Robbinsdale's
virgin soil, or in any other town, Rev. Morrill would find
as much to scorch his burning pen. So before you read this,
gentle reader, let's give three cheers for California.. — The
BY REV. "GOLIGHTLY" MORRILL
Pastor, People's Church, Minneapolis, Minn.
ONE NIGHT I went out from Los Angeles
with my moral telescope to make some
observations in the movie firmament.
Music was playing-, but the Muse of Music
would never recognize it. In Collins' Ode,
Music was a "heavenly rnaid," played in Greece
and was Wisdom's aid, chaste and sublime —
perhaps, but not here. It was jazz gone drunk
and crazy, to the great delight of prodigal sons
Through clouds of cigarette smoke I saw
the movie stars. These "heavenly bodies" have
very earthly souls. Some were fixed stars at
20 | Captain ^BiUls Whiz Bang
tables, others falling into partners' arms, and
shooting stars were shooting love glances at
each other. Some other stars seemed votaries
of Astarte, the licentious goddess to whom a
temple has been erected in Hollywood, where
I was entertained by a French countess, who
regaled me with tea, fresh cakes and a veritable
Madame de Stael (not stale) vivacious conver-
sation on travel, music, art, literature and
religion. Although she was French, I fully
understood her good English accent and
gesture, as I did the meaning of her charming
sister who went to the piano and sang, "I love
you." Morals and movies are not inseparable.
Hollywood is the modern Daphne Grove where
the Seventh of the Ten Commandments is fre-
quently forgotten or erased.
Southern California, the "land of the flea,"
is also an artists' paradise. The paint most
advertised is cosmetics. The dearest paintings
I noticed were those walking on the streets.
The Angelenos are expert painters of scenery
and theatre signs, of auto bodies, and of their
own faces with liquor. But why is art neces-
sary at all? They have climate, and that
divides the honor with charity in covering a
multitude of sins. Nature has placed all Cali-
fornia artists in the shade by placing on her
easel the matchless pieces of sea, field and
mountain. Practical art is found in the "draw-
ings" of gold ore from the soil and money
from the pockets of the speculators. The water
Captain Billy s Whiz Bang 21
color is irrigation that turns the brown earth
green. The "oil" is petroleum from which
modern mining masters are making millions
compared with the price the oils of the old mas-
ters bring. Murder is one of the fine arts of Los
Angeles, promoted by autos which assume the
pedestrian has no rights and deliberately
knock him right and left and leave him bruised
and bleeding. The trouble is not so much wine
as auto-intoxication. There is an auto to every
thirteen inhabitants, which may account for so
many unlucky accidents. The auto roads in
the state are the finest in the world. They
can't be called "rotten" even though they are
made from decomposed granite.
Most attractive are the beaches near Los
Angeles. Here caterpillar trams crawl along,
sidewalks which swarm with gum-chewers,
popcorn-munchers, gingerale-guzzlers, peanut-
masticators, hawkers of red hot dogs, spitters
of tobacco, ice cream cone venders, stylish
freaks and freakish styles, nice and naughty
men, good and bad girls, and roller skaters. I
grew dizzy at Ferris wheels, aeroplanes, roller-
coasters, the plunge bath of the great un-
washed, pavilions of dirt, drink, dancing and
dissipation. Over all there hung a Cologne
variety of smells. Couples were swinging in
pier dance halls to ragtime orchestras. There
were high dives in the water, and low dives on
the street where the innocent were doped,
debauched and robbed. Noise was raised to the
22 Captain Billy's Whiz Bang
ii!tiiiiiiiiiiiii|jiii]i!it!iriii:miiii:ii]iii',;:iiimi!inu(]!i timiiirrimjiiiitttiijirtmiitfir milium imirrflttiiimii
nth power. Instead of the sweet sea breeze
there was the strong aroma of popcorn and
At the beach you discover many things
Columbus never found in his travels — peanut
shells, dippy dippers, tin cans, can cans, tin
horn sports, human lobsters and jelly fish, shell
games, gulls and gullibles, papers, lunch boxes,
bags, flasks, mermaids, mere men, kids with
pails and shovels, playmates, families, spoony
couples, kelp, garters, dead fish, fishermen,
lines, nets, boats, cottages, hotels, resorts,
boardwalks, promenades, bare legs, arms, feet,
busts, driftwood and piers. Here one can find
lost souls without exploring the shores of
Phlegethon, Cocytus and Avernus.
L. A.'s Elysium Park is like the classic one
in one respect. When Aeneas went through the
Elysian fields all the objects were clothed in a
purple light — here it is the haze from innum-
erable autos whose exhausts wrap everything
in smoky pall and smell. The park is a good
place to spend hours with the Houris, and to
keep it from being a Paradise Lost, one is
prohibited from spending the night there.
Many enact here the myths of the nymphs and
satyrs. Holiday guests are often found "star-
scattered" on the grass, acting out the
There is only one "Lost" Angeles in all the
Contain Billy's Whiz Bang 23
mmii!imnitiiii!i)i milium (tiiiiiiiitiiiwmiiitmiiimiiniiiiiimimiiiriiiiiii
It's easy enough to be pleasant,
With a lass and a glass and a song,
But the man worth while is the guy who can
When he's got the old woman along.
% * !fc
Oh, I Wisha Wuza Lightnin' Bug!
(From Cortland, (N. T.) Standard)
Mr. and Mrs. H. C. Tayntor entertained Mr. and Mrs.
Charles Olds and son, Walter, of Syracuse, on Monday,
and learned from them that Mr. Olds' daughter, Mrs.
Hazel Hammond, was struck by lightning during a recent
thunder storm, the skin being burned from one leg some
six inches, and then the lightning followed a water pipe
and came out of a faucet.
Let's Swell Up and Bust
A man took his wife out to dinner at a hotel
restaurant the other night. . A short-skirted
damsel breezed in and, there being nobody else
in sight, proceeded to vamp him.
"My dear," grinned the fatuous chump to
his wife, "that girl over there is smiling at me."
"That's nothing," replied the better half,
"when I first saw you I laughed like hell." .
* * *
Joys of Matrimony
Papa — "Has the young man who has been
calling on you given you any encouragement?"
Daughter — "Oh, yes, father! Just think
last night he asked me if you and mother were
pleasant to live with."
24 Captain Billy's Whiz Bang
wad some power the giftie gie 'em,
To see their legs as others see 'em!
It was frae monie a short skirt free 'em,
And foolish notion,
That toothpicks and piano legs
♦ ♦- $
Did It Ever Happen to You?
Met a pretty girl one day,
Took her down to see a play;
Bought her candy, cake and cream,
And other things that she had seen.
Thought I was in good all right,
When I took her home that night,
Hung around and begged a kiss,
And what think you she said, this miss?
"Of all the cheap skates I ever lamped with my 'once
You are the crustiest two by twice, hair-brained gazeke
on Gawd's earth,
Shake those gunboats of yours and evaporate.
♦ >S >£
Answer This One, Girls
He — "I am going to ask you a question. If
you answer 'yes,' you mean 'no,' but if you do
not answer, I am to have a kiss.
She, after much deliberation — "All right,
He — "If I should kiss you, would you be
Captain Billy's Whiz Bang
piHii]iniiii]iiiiiini[ii»!iiiiii!iiiiit;tiii[iiiiiiiiiiiiiiniii]ii:iii; . . ,a
^..HiHiHiniiiiiiinminniiiim mniinnmcnnnnnmiHnmmiiiii iiimniBMmmtiinimni HHB niiia MWM iiiiH^Bwrei^m^ wMHBhttttiiiiB ram nils
Gal O' Mine
When first I kissed my little gal,
And felt her sweet embraces,
I knew I'd found c-n "only pal"
And would soon get down to cases.
Alas, it proved a ghastly joke,
My friends began to snicker;
I found myself K. O.'d and broke,
Dang that gal. of liquor
* * *
"I will be true while you're away,"
Thus ran the damsel's song.
"I will be true; but, oh, I say,
Don't be away too long."
Beware, Oil Men!
By Casper Y. Homing.
Oh, mother, may I go out to swim,
Way down behind the willers,
I'll hang my clothes on a hickory limb,
And won't go near the drillers.
* * *
Her petticoat was georgette blue,
Her dress was cheese cloth red,
When she passes 'tween me and light,
I ahvays turn my head.
26 Ca P tain Bill $, s 52S ^ an f
Courting Up to Date
"The demure, shrinking type of maiden used
to be able to walk to the altar with the
matrimonial bacon," complains Miss Etta
Kette, "but the one who brings home the hus-
band now-a-days seems to be the one who grabs
him and bites her initials in his cheek."
% * *
Baby— "I want my bottle."
Mother — "Keep quiet. You're just like your
4 * $
Crossing the "Bar"
Midnight, a gleaming star,
On one who pinches me,
For hanging on a "soft drink" bar
Till I can hardly see.
Curled peacefully in ash barrel I -would sleep
And dream of foaming mug,
But policeman with a bass voice deep,
Tuts me in the jug.
ifc H* H<
Knock 'er On the Kiss!
A discussion on dancing became quite
heated. The Girl in the case challenged her
partner to prove his contention that any man
could kiss a girl against her will. They clinched
and after a brief but determined struggle, the
girl was being ardently osculated. Upon being
freed from the fervent hold the girl sighed and
said, "Well, you won but it wasn't fair. My
foot slipped. Let's try it again."
Captain Billy's Whiz Bang 27
——BUI—HI II liuilUiai irT[iiniiriiii<iiM..:riiuirrrti!iii[.ii[[i!iiirMii!iiiii!]]i!iiiiii[iiiiiiLiiuiiiiil]i!'iiNIii[uitiiir[tiiiiltlIi!imti!!i<iiiiii!iiiiiiiiiiimiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii m
Questions and Answers
iiiiiiiiiiiiniiiiiiiiiii!iii!iiiiiiiniiii!ini!iH!P , :;i::!!ii!;:F: ^iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiniiiniiiiiiiiiiniiiniiniiHiiiiiiniiiiiiiciiiiiiiiiiiiiiin'iuiniiniiliiiiniHiiiiiiinl
Dear Captain Billy — Could you explain the
latest dance called "The Horse Trot"?— White
According to our New York correspondent,
"The Horse Trot" is done with a little wagon
Mon Captaine — What ees zis theeng zey call
ze "all day suckair"? — Suzanne Lengthen.
An "all day sucker," Suzanne, is a poor simp
who buys a girl's lunch and supper; takes her
to a show; puts on a midnight feed, and has
the taxi wait while he bids her good night at
the door of her flat.
Dear Captain Billy — Kissing causes my
heart to flutter violently. What should I do
when my sweetheart tries to kiss me? — May
Dear Keptin — What is the quickest lunch
you ever heard oil—Pholush A. Ginn.
Hasty pudding on a Jewish Fast day.
28 Captain Billy's Whiz Bang
Dear Captain Billy — I have several
gentlemen friends whom I would like to give
presents to on Christmas. Would you kindly
give me a list of suggestions? — Miss Goo C. Lou.
Below are ten suggestions which I think
would make gifts appreciated by almost any
1. A quart of hootch.
2. A quart of hootch.
3. A quart of hootch.
4. A quart of hootch.
5. A quart of hootch.
6. A quart of hootch.
7. A quart of hootch.
8. A quart of hootch.
9. A quart of hootch.
10. A quart of hootch.
* * *
Dear Captain Billy — What is a husband? —
Something no respectable woman should be
* * *
Dear Captain Billy — What is steam? — Talo
Steam is water gone crazy with the heat.
* * *
Dear Bilious Skipper — I am a bride of two
weeks and my husband has broken my heart
accusing me of extravagance and failure to
economize in the home. I have tried lots of
cheap dishes without success. Could you
Captain Billy's Whiz Bang 29
iiiiiiitiiiiiiiiiiui in linn
suggest a few menus which would enable me
to make both ends meet? — Worried Marjorie.
Well, Marj, I am not much of an expert at
cooking so I have referred your question to
Maggie the hired girl. She suggests as a cheap
dish, beans, but if you have tried them without
success, why not try serving tongue and eggs?
^ * *
Dear Captain Billy — Can you tell me where
moonshine comes from? — Hugo Chaser.
No, that's a secret still.
Dear Captain Billy — I am informed that it
is absolutely proper for a lady to shake hands
when sitting. If so, has the gentleman the
same privilege? — Minnie Haha.
When shaking hands in this glorious land
of the free and the home of the Drys, a
Geiitleman does it standing, a lady has the
privilege of shaking sitting down, and a Dog
does it standing on three legs.
% % %
Dear Captain — What makes the ocean so
blue?— T. N. T.
Because it has to embrace so many
% % %
Dear Bill — Why does a chicken cross the
road? — Slim Jim.
Because she sees some fellow over there
who looks like easy picking.
30 Captain Billys Whiz Bang
urn mjiiiinim: i
Pat, Lady Killer
A son of Erin wandered into a revival
meeting one night. After listening to the
revivalist catalogue the crimes and misdemean-
ors of whieh -his hearers were guilty and
enlarge upon the danger of spending eternity
in a warm but insalubrious climate, the poor
Irishman felt that he was "hair hung and
breeze shaken over hell' 'as Elder Means said.
Soon he was under deep "conviction" and in
due time was soundly converted.
A few evenings later he arose to give his
"testimony" and said: "Ladies and gintlemen;
Oh, Oi beg yer pardon— My Dear Sisters an'
Brothers; you know O'im not used to spakin'
in meetin's like this. But Oi want to tell you
that O'im glad Oi'm saved. An' be the way, it
took a helluva lot of grace to save me, for Oi
was a dom bad man. Oi lied an' dhrank an'
swore an' stole an' gambled an' did everyt'ing
that was low and vile an' mean. An' more than
that, Oi was a 'killer' among the women, as
many of the sisters here present kin testify."
A Chaplin Prayer
Danny was a good boy.
Jimmy was not.
Danny said his prayers — "Give us this day
our daily bread."
But Jimmy interrupted — "Strike him for
Captain Billys Whiz Bang 31
The Bray of An Ass
A man who was walking through a train
inadvertently left the door of one of the cars
open. A big man sitting in a seat in the middle
of the car yelled: "Shut the door, you fool!
Were you raised in a barn?"
The man who had left the door open closed
it and then, dropping into a seat, buried his
face in his hands and began to weep. The big
man looked somewhat uncomfortable and, rising
finally walked up to the weeper and tapped him
on the shoulder.
"My friend," he said, "I didn't intend to hurt
your feelings. I just wanted you to close the
The man who was weeping raised his head
and grinned. "Old man," he said, "I am not
crying because you hurt my feelings, but be-
cause you asked me if I was raised in a barn.
The fact is that I was raised in a barn, and
every time I hear an ass bray it makes me
;£ ^ %
'Throw Out the Life Line'
"How did you like the banquet last night?"
"Fine. There was a lady at the table across
from me who had one of those 'table line gowns'
on. She looked like Venus."
"How do you know she had on a gown,
"I dropped my fork."
32 Captain Billy's Whiz Bang
Whiz W7 1 • m - * w I -
"The Bull is Mightier Than the Bullet."
THERE are many "Calamity Janes" in the
U. S. A. One of their stock cries, just
after a crime has been committed is, "If
she gets off, she's going in the movies!"
Let us look at the real facts. Searching the
history of the moving picture business, in not a
single instance has a murder been starred in
About seven or eight years ago a wealthy
married man in Virginia was shot by his wife
(or was it by a girl in the case?) — Beulah
Binford — because he had trifled with her affec-
tions. The courts proved the man a rotter,
and because Beulah was a very young girl, she
was released without a prison sentence.
Beulah's heart and life were broken and she
wanted to bury herself in her little home town
and try to start over again, but she needed
money. An unscrupulous promoter from New
York who thought he could profit by the
notoriety caused by the crime, made her an
offer to be starred in pictures. Beulah went to
New York. The picture was taken but the
Captain Billy's Whiz Bang 33
police closed Madison Square Garden when it
was scheduled to show there. Even in those
early days of picturedom, movie companies of
any standing were bitterly incensed against
promoters who wanted to make money by
The tragic figure in this case was Beulah
Binford herself. When the picture failed to
bring in receipts she was left alone and
penniless in a strange city. She went from
studio to studio asking for work, but despite
the fact that she was beautiful, no one wanted
to take a chance with her. Finally the Republic
Film Company, of New York, gave her a job
sorting papers in their office. She v/ent
through countless hardships in the city. What
has become of her, we do not know.
A few years later, in Wisconsin, a boy
student killed his sweetheart in a lonely wooded
section not far from the state university
buildings. The case was never proved to have
been premeditated murder and he was not given
a prison sentence. A well known New York
syndicate writer, a woman went out to
Wisconsin and tied up the boy's services for
pictures. She then hastened back to New York
to sell the contract for a profit. Every picture
company in New York turned down her
proposition to star the boy!
After Marie Edwards shot Senator Lyons
a year or so ago in California, she visited
oa Captain Billys Whiz Bang
..... .....4 mil Tllillll'lLiL^:l!Uli[iil]lll" r l'i ^ !l ' lllll|,h ' l!l "
W llllll ' ...■■■.■■—■■■ mHitmnm
all the studios in /Los Angeles in. an attempt
to get into the movies. Not a single position
was offered her. ...
Mrs. Louise Peete, who was recently
sentenced to life imprisonment for the murder
of J. C. Denton at his home in Los Angeles,
made overtures to the picture companies during
the time she thought she was going to be freed.
Not a single studio executive paid the slightest
attention to her attempts to be exploited on
The "son" of Senator New, who brutally
killed his sweetheart in Topanga Canyon near
Los Angeles about a year ago, also thought he
might follow a picture career, but this was cut
short when he was sentenced to twenty years
in the penitentiary.
Mrs. Marie Bailey, who shot her sweetheart,
Clarence Hogan, in Pasadena last December,
told all reporters that she was going to be
featured in pictures as soon as she was
released. Mrs. Bailey had previously played
in pictures, but when she was arrested, picture
studios all made the notation that she would
never again be hired even as, an "extra." Marie
has gone "up" for ten years.
The Clara > ,'Tamon picture, "Fate," although
already produced, has not been exhibited in
the theatres. In the light of the history of past
cases has it a chance?
^ ^ *
i . Burning kisses always go with sparks.
Captain Billy's Whiz Bang 35
AN AUTHORITY once established is hard
to controvert. That is why it is going to
be one heck of a job to knock any kind of
a dent into the present Volstead law prohibiting
even a smelling acquaintance with wine, beer or
regular hard "licker." Organized minorities
vote solidly in politics; the vote of the majority
is scattered. There is nothing more easily
swayed than popular opinion and popular
"passion" with the right kind of propaganda.
I remember when Carpentier, the French
fight champ, came across to get his bump on the
beak, Gus and I were discussing the antics of
the New York society women who "literally"
fought with each other for the privilege of
kissing him at a garden party. It is the human
nature of the female of the specie to kiss the
male brute at every opportune occasion, and,
under stress of easily aroused emotions, under
other conditions as well.
Emotion is a primitive human instinct and
if women swarm to kiss a prize fighter in these
enlightened days, it is easy to understand how
an unorganized majority of males, as well as
females, might be moulded by proper
propaganda to a conviction that this country
will go to the bow wows unless booze of all
character and description is kicked into the
We must admit that the prohibition minority
did not slip anything over on the majority
when it wasn't looking. First they sneaked
36 Captain Billy's Whiz Bang
iiiiTiiiiiiiiiiii iiii-i r r-e mimiirmiiliiiri
into a few legislatures and then they put it
through Congress and had it ratified by their
legislatures. The majority found out about it
when it was too late. All the majority can do
now is to defy the Volstead law and vote down
the enforcement provisions of it. Some of
them are doing this — while others are becoming
Cunard addicts and going to Europe and
Europe used to be a continent of kings —
now it is only America's corner saloon.
We have never held any particular briefs
for Squirrel whisky and other forms of 100
proof "hootch." But even our former president,
Woodrow — what was his name?- — Wilson, is
strong for wines and beers and we are willing
to stack with him on this question, at least. It
is going to be a hard job — getting any
concessions from the prohibitionists. We believe
Gus has the right idea, however, when he says
the day of the "bum voyage" to Europe is
nearing a close, and that the old familiar sign
"Wines, Liquors and Segars" may soon be
dusted off and tacked up outside the front door.
The Way They Sing It
We will now sing that little Nanny-goat
song entitled "Mammy." Also that well known
ballad "Just a Japanese Ashcan."
The stage contortionist leads a double life.
Captain Billy's Whiz Bang 37
I 1111111111 ""mil mi' !U!iii-!iHi ai!ii;[i!ii!iiii!iiiiiiiiBi:ii!iniiiiii!i!iiiiiiii!i!iii!i!iii!ii»iiiaiiiaiiiin mm ummi miimiiniiimiiiimmmi
*' Ulili ml "m»> i iiiiiiim»ni!iiii!i!iiiiiiiiiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiiiiii mi iiiiiiiimmimiBsimmmimni iiniimm iiiiiiiiiiimmiiiiiiiiiiiimiBiimminil
Every once in a while we get regular he-man verse
prompted by dreams in some feather bed, but from the pen
of Bndd L. McKillips, Whiz Bang readers again are to be
treated with a poem inspired by real life. In the Winter
Annual of the Whiz Bang we reproduced Mr. McKillips'
poem "After the Raid," inspired while Mr. McKillips, as a
newspaper reporter, "covered" c. story of the raid on the
National Dutch Room cabaret in Minneapolis. Recently
pretty Zelda Crosby, picture scenario writer, of New York,
committed suicide in a hotel by drinking poison, as a result
of a prominent film magnate spurning her after teaching her
the ways of love and folly. This magnate, like many other
alleged reformers, has been a leading figure in the move-
ment for purity in pictures. The title of Mr. McKillips
poem, written exclusively for the Whiz Bang, is "The Girl
From Over 'There'." In addition to that poem we are pub-
lishing a crackerjack rival to the "Gila Monster Route," with
which Winter Annual readers have fallen in love called
"The Blanket Stiff"
* ♦ %
The Spirit of Mortal
Oh, Why should the spirit of mortal be proud?
Like a swift-fleeting meteor, like a fast flying cloud,
A flash of the lightning, a break of the wave,
He passeth from life to his rest in the grave.
The leaves of the oak and the willow shall fade,
And be scattered around and together be laid,
And the old and the young and the low and the high
Shall molder to dust and together shall lie.
The infant a mother attended and loved,
38 Captain Billy's Whiz Bang
miuittiiiitmttniiimmi i mirammiiniff
The mother that infant's affection who proved,
The husband that mother and infant who blessed,
Each all are away to their dwellings of rest.
The hand of the king that the scepter hath borne,
The brow of the priest that the miter hath worn,
The eye of the sage and the heart of the brave,
Are hidden and lost in the depths of the grave.
The peasant whose lot was to sow and to reap,
The herdsman who limbed with his goats to the steep,
The beggar who wandered in search of his bread.
Have faded away like the grass that we tread.
So the multitude goes like the flower or the weed,
That withers away to let others succeed;
So the multitude comes even those we behold,
To repeat every tale that has often been told.
For we are the same our fathers have been:
We see the same sights our fathers have seen—
We drink the same stream and view the same sun,
And run the same course our fathers have run.
The thoughts we are thinking our fathers would ihink;
From the death we are shrinking our fathers would shrink;
To the life we are clinging they also would cling,
But it speeds from us all like a bird on the wing.
They loved, but the story we cannot unfold;
They scorned, but the heart of the haughty is cold;
They grieved, but no wail from their slumber shall come;
They joyed, but the tongue of their gladness is dumb.
They died!- — ay; they died, we things that are now,
That walk on the turf that lies over their brow,
And make in their dwellings a transient abode;
Meet the things that they met on their pilgrimage road.
Yea! hope and despondency, pleasure and pain,
We mingle together in sunshine and rain;
And the smile and the tear, the song and the dirge,
Still follow each other like surge upon surge.
'Tis the wink of an eye, 'tis the draught of a breath,
From the blossom of health to the paleness of death,
From the gilded saloon, the bier and the shroud;
Oh, why should the spirit of mortal be proud?
Captain Billy's Whiz Bang 39
By Hudson Hawiey.
(In the Stars and Stripes.)
Standin' up here on the fire-step,
Lookin' ahead in the mist.
With a tin hat over your ivory
And a rifle clutched in your fist;
Waitin' and watchin' and wond'rin'
If the Huns comin' over tonight — ■
Say, aren't the things you think of,
Enough to give you a fright?
Things you ain't even thought of
For a couple o' months or more;
Things that 'ull set you laughin';
Things that 'ull make you sore;
Things that you saw in the movies.
Things that you saw on the street,
Things that you're really proud of,
Things that are— not so sweet.
Debts that are past collection,
Stories you hear and forget,
Ball games and birthday parties,
Hours of drill in the wet;
Headlines, recruitin' posters,
Sunsets way out at sea,
Evenings of pay days — golly —
It's a queer thing, this memory!
Faces of pals in the home burg,
Voices of women folk,
Verses you learned in school days,
Pop up in the mist and smoke,
As you stand there grippin' that rifle,
A standin' and chilled to the bone,
Wonderin' and wonderin' and wonderin,'
Just thinkin' there — all alone!
When will the war be over?
When will the gang break through?
What will the V. S. look like?
What will there be to do?
Where will the Boshes be then?
Who will have married Nell?
When's that relief a-eoniin' up?
Gosh! But this thinkin's hell!
40 Captain Billy's Whiz Bang
IIHIHIHI Ilimill (Ill HHtl!lllimtlJIIIIII!lilllll!!!li:lllil>Ji;illllMI1l1IMn>: Hum <l1l>llt»l,Fll>l>l>lllil.i>illttlll»ll<l!>llllllIIIIIIll tun
Dream girl with your raven hair
Eyes of brown and dimples too
Can't you find one day to spare
That I may elope with you?
Too many ginks are on your hooks
You trifle right and left
They toddle round with hungry looks
Poor nuts they're all bereft.
Dream girl get your cigarettes
And I'll produce the booze,
Put the brake on vain regrets
And let us burn the fuse.
Hire a hall or buy a yacht
It's all the same, Oh! gee
But give me everything you've got
It's coming straight to ME.
Dream girl with your raven hair
Come cuddle up and tease
Love me, bite me like a bear,
Then kiss me — naughty — please.
Make it today and don't postpone
Don't make your sweetie pout,
Dear heart I'm sitting all alone
For the darned old booze gave out.
The Land of Gee and Haw
By Ted Lattourette Hansford.
I have a home I'm not ashamed of,
In the land of Gee and Haw,
Where Jeff Davis found a pile of rocks
And called it Arkansaw.
And I am going back to Flatrock,
Where the cornfed people stay,
And they make a little moonshine
Just to pass the time away.
I can see old Hank and Silas,
Captain Billys Whiz Bang 41
„ MHOB •> •>» IIMHIlilWlllll IIIIIIII W IIIIIi mnTlfTff lllllllllll lltTtlllullTlltBlllllliriltlllllMH HI MWUH
A firing up the drum
To run a drink that's guaranteed
To put sorrow on the bum.
It glistens like the dewdrops,
At the dawn of early morn,
And you can smell the boys' feet
That plowed the yaller corn.
It fills your heart with gratitude,
And keeps you feeling fine,
Like everybody was owin' you
And you didn't need a dime.
'Tis the land where satisfaction,
Peace, love and feuds reside,
And the farms they sit up edgeways;
You can farm on either side.
Where they dance from dark till daylight,
Calling swing, and balance all;
With the fiddler full o' pine top,
Playing Turkey in The Straw.
When you read these lines, yours truly
Will be there for evermore,
Wading through the moonshine,
Singing Sailor on The Shore.
And my address, should you want me,
Will be Flatrock, Arkansaw;
Care o' Wildcat Hiram Johnson,
In the Land of Gee and Haw.
* * *
Ten Years on the Islands
Ten years on the Islands,
And you're mad;
Not a spark of decency —
Oh! it's sad - ;
Can't recall one sober day,
That you've had;
You've let the tropics get you,
And you're bad.
Ten years on the Islands,
And you fell.
Hardly conscious of surrender,
Tc the spell;
42 Captain Billy's Whiz Bang
You're eaten up with leprosy,
You're a comber Of the beaches —
Gone to hell.
Ten years on the Islands,
It's too long,
To preserve one's sense of right,
And of wrong,
The tropic's spell is gentle,
But it's strong,
It feeds the soul on lotus,
Till it's gone.
When you are awfully cross to me
I pout, and pout, and pout,
My lip goes down, my eyes get big
- And then nay tears come out.
When you are awfully good to me
I smile, and smile, and smile,
So if you like sun more than rain
Try being good awhile.
"Hang it all, daughter," exploded old
Jenkins. "You can't marry young Dobbins, I
won't have it. Why he only makes eighteen
dollars a week."
"I know fr.ther," replied the sweet young
thing, "but a week passes so quickly when you
are fond of each other."
* * *
It doesn't extinguish the conflagration in a
man's burning brain when a pretty girl turns
her hose on him.
Captain Billys Whiz Bang 43
i .:::umiiiimiimii;irim riiiuiiHiitiiuiiii iiiiuiimtiiim! uimifiiiiiiinmi
How to Get Tips
Smith Dalrymple tells this one: When I
was in Bartlesville I went into a lady barber
shop to get shaved. That was the first female
joint I ever saw. When I went in the barber
was sitting on a fellow's lap.
She jumped up and said, "You're next."
I said, "I know it and I know who I am
She said, "Do you want a close shave?"
I said, "No, I just had one, my wife passed
the window and didn't look in."
I gave her a quarter, she handed me back
ten cents and before I thought where I was I
said, "Put it in the piano."
$? % %
Those Flivvers Again
We heard a couple talking in the rear of a
machine ahead of us. The man sighed, "Oh,
dearest, you never have acted this way before.
Always you have been cold towards me and
now you're — "
So I put on my brakes and pulled my
radiator away from the back of their machine.
* * *
Someone's Inhaling Ether
(From the Chicago Tribune)
"She had those wide blue eyes whose expression can
be misleading in their infantile pathos ; hair fine and shin-
ing like gossamer gold ; a complexion firm and white, with
the barest breath of rose leaf pink on the cheek oones,
and the whole of her was small, neat, rounded."
44 Captain Billys Whiz Bang
Just Like the Army
The prosy old parson was coming and his
hostess carefully drilled her daughter to
answer the string of questions he always asked
every little girl: (1) "What is your name?"
(2) "How old are you?" (3) "Are you a good
little girl?" (4) "Do you know where bad little
But the little girl was overtrained and when
the reverend visitor began by asking her her
name, she spilled all the answers at once in a
"Dorothy, sir; six years old, sir; yes, sir;
go to hell, sir."
* * *
Dear Captain Billy,
I am full of regrets,
Because the other night
I set out to find the gold
At the end of the rainbow.
And all that I saw was
"The Gold Diggers."
Ain't that always the way
* * *
"I rise to propose a little toast," announced
the president of the Hay Fever Club.
"What is it?"
"Here's looking at — choo!"
Captain Billy's Whiz Bang 45
ITT; ! n [:-nii I F!mu i [[iiJii rr;n !J r =:: : i ! ! 1 1 i i ;;: trc; n i ; ! n ;:: n f'li [<;i ! : 1 1 r !" !^ ! n 1 1 j: i i 1 1 n i Liin ! 1 1 : i r ;;i I r 1 1 1 1 -;::t! n r I ri-rn 1 1 1 rr J!i ! ! 1 1 1 iif;' j i 1 1 [i ; i-n 1 1 r [[: i; in I run n; i iriinrmiTi ;- 1
IT IS rumored around filmland that hand-
some (?) "Bull" Montana is shortly to be
married. Doug Fairbanks, in lowbrow
days before he married Mary, used to pal
around with "Bull" and other ringside favor-
ites, but 'tis said Mary ruled against Bull as
4» ♦ 4
IT WILL be remembered that Viola Dana
was a very close friend of Orma Locklear,
the famous aviator, who was killed about
a year ago. A few months later, she was often
seen with Earl Daugherty, also a well known
aviator, who maintains one of the finest flying
fields in Southern California. Now Earl and
Viola are never seen together. What happened,
}Hp IS SAID on "Elinor Glyn Night" at the
h Ambassador Cocoanut Grove, our visit-
ing English authoress ate her entire
supper without once removing her long white
gloves. Those were "great moments" when the
olives, corn and asparagus came on! Elinor
was again accompanied by that tall, youngish
46 Captain Billy's Whiz Bang
iIJi:m::!t!ir:!:i!r:.. ■:i> •■
actor, Dana Todd. Hollywood has been under-
going mental confusion all summer as to
whether Dana was in love with Gloria Swanson
or Elinor or merely a protege protector of both
ladies when they took their evenings out.
LOIS WILSON, Lasky star, has a brand
new Chicago millionaire beau who seems
to be quite serious in his intentions.
Mildred Harris, who has also been playing over
at the Lasky lot of late, is favoring a million-
aire of brunette hue.
* * #
MABEL NORMAND went off on a farm
in Vermont last winter and drank milk
until she could again ask her friends
how one could lose weight. Just now, a dis-
tinguished looking gentleman with gray hair
is trotting Mabel about to the dance emporiums.
Bessie Love is often seen at the cafes, but
almost always with "mama." Lost your hunt-
ing license, Bessie?
THE other evening when Clara Kimball
Young stepped out with Harry Garson
wearing a whole photoplay worth of
ermine and diamonds, a very embarrassing
thing happened. They danced of course, but in
one of those floor jams, Clara suddenly found
her lovely head parked on the shoulder of her
ex-spouse, Jimmy Young. Gallant to the end,
Captain Billy's Whiz Bang 41
liltmiltllllUIIHItlH IIHtlMI !MlllIHIIMMIMIInil>lllliHliHH<l»IMMHnil4iHIHIilimnM1lllll1ll<MI11IIIIIIM11lll»tlMM<nii!!;n<tlM!in!TrTMIIlimMniTTni1lllinn«iHlininMHIimil(tlM.il
Jimmy appeared not to notice — but when the
next dance began, Jimmy sat it out with his
partner at one end of the ball-room while Clara
feigned weariness at the other end !
RUTH RENICK, film star, is in love with
an unknown hero. While horseback riding
the other day, she hurt her ankle and
went into a drug store for aid. Then she grew
faint and fell right over into the arms of a
handsome stranger. He vanished when she
woke up and that ends the story. Ruth and
"we all" are hoping for developments.
* * *
Roy Stewart has been riding horseback of
late with Miss Stanley Partridge, a young Los
Angeles society girl.
* * *
Walter Morosco and Betty Compson are
often seen stepping about together.
$ Jjs !#
ES, we admit that this item should have
headline position. 'Tis true that Mr. and
Mrs. Wallace MacDonald (Doris May),
took a second-run honeymoon over at Catalina.
* * *
ILL DESMOND and his own wife,
Mary Mclvor, often step out together
and dance together all evening — because
they like it. This same state of affairs exists
with the Wesley Ruggles and Conrad Nagles
as well as in the Bryant Washburn household.
48 Captain Billys Whiz Bang
EVELYN NESBIT, formerly Mrs. Harry
K. Thaw, recently caused the arrest of
four men on charges of disorderly con-
duct. She complained they entered the hallway
outside of her apartment and that one seized
her by the shoulders and made an insulting
remark. The complainant said she knew none
of the men. At the station house Miss Nesbit
said that the men fled in a taxicab when she
ran to the street yelling "fire" and calling for
the police. The quartet returned later and
encountered two policemen.
* * *
Can We Forgive Him?
The London Post reports the following —
There was fighting in the fo'c'sle; and the
aggressor, a hard-faced, hard-fisted sailor man
from Rotherhithe, was called upon to explain.
"That square-headed Swede miscalled me,"
he bellowed. "He said I was an Irishman, and
I'm not. Me mother was a good Mexican lady
and me father was two marines from
The explanation cordially accepted.
One time I got mad at a sassy kid; I said,
"There is enough hrass in your face to make a
He said "Yes, and there's enough sap in your
head to fill it."
Captain Billy's Whiz Bang 49
i'llllllKUIIII! ■■-. .: l>-i!iI1l llMl.lllllll.il II- lllllllllllKMIIIll.il
The Wails of a Wolstead Wictim
Oh to spend "jack" like a Jackass; to have
the "hips" of a hippo; the neck of a giraffe ;■
the thirst of a camel and the "jag" of a jaguar.
:Js ^c ij: *
Giving Him Fair Warning
She — "What are you thinking about?"
He — "Just what you're thinking about."
She — "If you do, I'll scream." — Phoenix.
* * *
The Way of a Lad With a Lass
He— "P 1 ea s e."
She— "I told you NO!"
She — "Nu'unnnnnnh."
He — "Huu'n nnnnnh?"
She — "Nu — Unnnnnnn'huh."
* * *
She nestled against the two strong arms that
held her. She pressed her flushed cheek
against the smooth skin-so near-so tan-so
"How handsome!" she cried, her eyes noting
the fine straight back, the sturdy, well-shaped
"How handsome!" she repeated. "I adore a
leather upholstered chair."
50 Captain Billy s Whiz Bang
■tlilimi! iiiiiiiiKiitiinintlii rniiiiiiiiinihm minium
Ain't no use of living, nothing gained,
Ain't no use of eating just pain,
Ain't no use of kissing he'll tell,
Ain't no use of nothing, Oh, well.
% :£ s}e
Djever Hear This One?
An Englishman bragged that he was once
mistaken for Lloyd George. The American
boasted that he had been taken for President
Paddy said he had them all beat.
"A fellow walked up to me and tapped me
on the shoulder and said 'Great God, is that
Pink Pills for Pale People
Lydia Pinkham recently received a love
letter from the vegetable compound magnate
reading as follows, our correspondents report:
"Do you carrot all for me? My bleeding heart beets
for you. My love is as soft as a squash, but as strong as
an onion. You are a peach with your radish hair and
turnip nose. Your cherry lips and forget-me-not eyes
call me. You are the apple of my eye, and if we can-
teloupe lettuce marry for I am sure we would make a
Lovely Calves We're Having!
"Oh see the darling little cow-lets!"
"Miss, those are not cow-lets, they're bull-
Captain Billy s Whiz Bang 51
Pasture Pot Pourri
f :::,„:,;;;:: .:-.::;::■;.- - ';:ii:rnnnmn:nmim!inmEiuniimHtinaniinnni!imiiiiiiiiiiiiuiniiinaf iiiinniiiiinimuiRniiiiuniHni iinini inimun biiii; mini : n: .
The other day a stranger walked up and asked me if
I was a doctor. I informed him that I wasn't, but that I
thought I knew where he could get some.
* * *
Some women get red in the face from
modesty, some from anger, and some from the
Pour Her Back Into the Ocean
She wiggled, she waddled,
She leapt and she toddled;
She shivered, she quivered, she shook.
She rippled, she trippled,
She sprang and she skippled —
Her dance was "The Song of the Brook."
The Song of a Sailor
"There's just one Gal in Galveston, hut
there's More in Baltimore."
:;: $ *
I went into a restaurant. I said, "Have you got anything fit
for a hog to eat?"
He said, "Yes, what do you want?"
When a married man gets his hair cut, his
wife loses her strongest hold on him.
:;- i\i ijc
The barber has a scraping acquaintance with a great
52 Captain Billy's Whiz Bang
in i iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiniiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii iitiinui in Liniiniriinmiiiiir>iiiiii>i'"i»iiiciinii '!■■"
«u iii,miiiiiiim>iiiiiiiiiiiinjiimiimiii> lillUtimniUHIIII
Essence of Sweet Peas
"The mean old thing wouldn't lettuce."
"Can we take a little spin-ach?"
"No, I'll see my car-rot first."
* * *
There is something mysteriously attractive
about all mysteries — except hash.
* * *
A request has come from a -Philadelphia
reader that all our jokes be written on tissue
paper so that he can see through them.
May Have Better Luck
(From Sedalia Correspondence of Rogers Democrat)
Mrs. Albert Evans didn't have good luck with her incubator.
She had only thirty little chicks, but she is undaunted and she is
* * *
Mary wears her new short skirt,
Cut just about in half;
Who cares a slam 'bout Mary's lamb,
Now we can see her calf?
* * *
The woman with a past is always glad to see
a man with a present.
* * *
The Latest Song "Hit"
By A. Balland Batt.
"When the Baseball season starts, Sweet-
heart, I'll be running home to you."
* * *
Miss Marrietta Nutt will now render the
latest "catch" "The toy shop business is boom-
ing since they show their Teddy bears."
Captain Billy s Whiz Bang 53
■■■:,:■ !:!■:■ ::.. Mini liiuiiiiiiim.:
We Expect a Free Can For This!
/ saw a girl the other day who was so bashful she asked
for a lady clerk when she wanted to buy some Arbuckle's
* * *
The Happy Ham
All smokers are inveterate;
Their vice becomes inured,
Only a ham can smoke and smoke,
And smoking still be cured.
!£ Iff - $
I kicked a mongrel cur,
He uttered a mournful wail.
Where did I kick him, Sir?
Ah! Thereby hangs a tail.
The most disgusting sight in the world is to
see another fellow in an automobile with your
* * *
The old inhabitant says, "I kin remember
when a young lady passed you, you always
could hear the rustle of stiffly starched skirts."
# * *
I wish I was a crow's egg
As bad as bad can be,
All cuddled up in a little nest
Way up in a big tree.
And when a grinning little boy
Looked up at me in glee,
I'd bust my naughty little self
And sprinkle him with me.
54 Captain Billy s Whiz Bang
The Diamond Queen
Now on one hand she has an immense fortune and
on the other hand she has warts.
* * *
When a girl casts her bread upon the
waters, she expects it to come back in the shape
of a wedding cake.
One of the season's popular football rooters'
song is that old familiar ballad "After the
The Hootch Hound's Lament
It's easy to stay two-thirds pickled all day,
Get drunk and sleep out in the yard,
But to put in a night without one drink in sight;
It's the getting back sober that's hard.
* * *
Love is a hallucination that makes an other-
wise sane man believe he can set up house-
keeping on a gas stove and a canary bird.
* * *
St. Paul Blues
When I'm dead bury me deep,
Bury me in the middle of St. Peter street;
Put my hands across my chest
And tell the girls I've gone to rest.
* * *
"What a curve," said the garter, as it came
around the last stretch.
Many a girl who never had her ears pierced
has frequently had them bored.
Captain Billy's Whiz Bang 55
iuauutMiBttg i uiH tanicngitiiuaiiiiiiiirgiiiiimiijiiiii:»]ii:ri,;; ntiiE^iifiiMMiiiiiEihiiit iiiiiiiiimiiimiiiiBiinnHmniiiHuiiimtnjiiiimniiuinnnuinuHumiuniuinmiiig
trie Hot •
RS. JUANITA M. COHEN has filed a
heart-balm suit for $50,000 against
Jackie Saunders for the loss of the love
and affection of J. Warde Cohen, her husband.
Jackie affirms that Mr. Cohen has no love for
his wife and that no pretty stranger can steal
anything which doesn't exist. Jackie and her
lawyers cite several scenes that have taken
place between the Cohens, all to prove that the
little God Eros was not about. Rather a clever
way to turn the matter about, Jackie!
* * *
AT SEVERAL recent parties and dinners
attended by film stars and given since
the Arbuckle affair has been disclosed,
the picture people have not refused cocktails
or wine offered by the host. The picture people
have been drinking their cocktails with a bit of
defiance as if to show the world that "there are
plenty of us who can drink with moderation
and do nothing to hurt our neighbor or disgrace
Before prohibition made such conditions
imperative, all of us might have thought the
party a bit too free and careless if drinks were
56 Captain Billy s Whiz Bang
served in hotel bedrooms and prelude parties
to hotel dinners given on the upper floors. For
those who still believe in the free rights of the
individual, hotel bedroom drinking is the only
kind allowed by law. Perhaps if the Arbuckle
party had been allowed to order their drinks
in a hotel lobby or tea-room, the tragedy of
Miss Rappe's death would never have occurred.
At any rate, let it be said that at two large
dinner parties given since the Arbuckle affair,
the film people drank with decorum and several
Pasadena and Los Angeles millionaire society
men were the ones laid out to "rest and recup-
Another party planned to take place on a
yacht equipped with "orchid and rose suites,"
promising to border on the near dangerous, was
declined by a number of prominent Hollywood
stars. The party took place without the film
folk, there being plenty of fast folk in the
society set to attend who had no professional
reputation to protect.
♦ ij; X
THE divorce case of the Charles Kenyons
developed into an Alphonse and Gaston
affair. Charlie Kenyon is the author of
the successful play "Kindling" and has written
many photoplays for the Fox and Goldwyn
studios at which he has been employed.
During the hotly contested divorce suit, both
accused the ; other of desertion. Mrs. Kenyon
testified that when her husband came home late
Captain Billys Whiz Bang 57
at night and she upbraided him concerning the
matter, he said he would have to live his own
life and if he couldn't live it there, he would
have to go somewhere else. Therefore, Kenyon
Kenyon, on the other hand, said that his
wife deserted him because her actions and
treatment of him made going away the only
possibly manly act. Quite a paradox for you
isn't it, Judge?
Mrs. Kenyon has previously divorced two
husbands. It is said that Kenyon remained a
bachelor several years while he waited for the
present Mrs. Kenyon to free herself from her
last husband and marry him.
* * *
HH. WATERS, scenario writer, was found
clad only in a suit of pajamas, the other
morning just outside the Hollywood
Hotel. He was unconscious and bleeding pro-
fusely. The names of the other picture folk
who attended the party have been kept under
:■: % H:
OUR Guv'ment's too annoying! The whole
blasted Pacific fleet has been back in Los
Angeles harbor since September without
a movie guest aboard! You see there's some
sort of a board of inspection from Washington
going over the nuts and bolts, and its been
considered tactful to keep the milk on the table
and cover the Victrola!
58 Captain Billy's Whiz Bang
WHILE Doug and Mary were recovering
from a tremendous ovation in London
and were receiving a similar welcome m
Gay Paree, Charlie Chaplin native Englishman,
was being slapped by the press of his native
land. The London Post, for example, says this:
"Charlie Chaplin was good enough to remark
on the sadness of the faces of the Londoners
he met in his walks. Well, we went through a
bit of a war while Charlie was in Los Angeles."
Going, Going, Gone!
When the rye is in the meadow
And the corn is in the shock
And your cellar's dry as powder
And your diamonds all in hock.
When the gin is all in Holland
And the home brew knocked sky-high
Oh, tell me Captain Billy
When the milk weed's going dry
% % *
How to Get the Cash
"Bonuses for Babies"
Is all the cry In France;
And so the largest families
Will get the biggest chance;
But Where's the money coming from?
French Law for laughter bids
By taxing all the bachelors
For other people's kids!
* * *
The nox was lit by the lux of Luna,
It was a nox most opportuna,
To catch a possum or a coona.
The nix was scattered o'er the Mundus,
A shallow nix et ncn profundus.
* * *
The undertaker is always able to put up a stiff argument.
Captain Billy's Whiz Bang 59
; ,:i!.i:ii;iiiiimirnuiiM. iiiiiiiimiiMmimiiin r::. >
rpgnn mnnmmmiii noinnniiBiiiinoi i ■ HiiiwiiiiiiniiiiiiiiirL:.^
I mm a um i i iinitii m n ua m im ii muu i ia n; ■ i
The Colonel Knows His Cat
(From San Antonio Express.)
REWARD — Lost, Boston female, 8 months old, 12 lbs., mahog-
any brindle, screw tail, white chest, back of neck and blazed face.
Col. M. L. Crimmins, 106 Groveland Place.
* * *
(From Ht. Louis Post-Dispatch.)
Miss Mabel Wilber, in the leading soprano role of Daisy the
Barmaid, later Little Boy Blue, sang well and wore several mas-
culine costumes which showed her versatility.
i'fi %: %
A Warm Proposition
(San Francisco Chronicle.)
Young man, 28, wishes the acquaintance of a lonely, stout lady;
object mat. Box 500, Chronicle Branch, San Jose.
Hand In Hand
(From the Bald Knob, Ark., Eagle.)
A jolly bunch of our young people went on a kodaking expedi-
tion Sunday that resulted in many exposures and a very enjoy-
$ & ''.'
Like Dimples, They Come High
(From the Graeeville, Minn., Enterprise.)
Born — To Mr. and Mrs. G. C. Heimann, Sunday, August 7th, a
You can get one this month only for $40.00. See Chris. Nelson,
• * *
The timid girl appreciates the sympathy
that makes a man feel for her in the dark.
60 Captain Billy s Whiz Bang
The late Cy Warman, who deserted railway
literature for a real railway job in Montreal,
told this story at a luncheon not long before
A Scotchman came upon an automobile over-
turned at a railway crossing. Beside it lay a
man all smashed up.
"Get a doctor," he moaned.
"Did the train hit you?" asked the Scotch-
"Yes, yes; get a doctor."
"Has the claim agent been here yet?"
"No, no; please get a doctor."
"Move over, you," said the Scot, "till I lie
down beside you."
* * *
A Letter in Meter
There are meters of accent,
There are meters of tone,
But the best way to meet her
Is to meter alone.
There are letters of accent
There are letters of tone,
But the best way to letter
Is to letter alone,
(c * ♦ ■ --*
Page the Weather Boy!
The fancy display in hosiery on a rainy day
affects a man's eyes to such an extent that he
is always anxious to see it clear up.
^ sfc %
Playing with loaded dice is shaky business at best.
Captain Billys Whiz Bang 61
nun >.n :mrriimiiiiiim>iiiliri'ttmliiiii<ninitiiHiiiMUur
Ain't It the Truth?
It usually takes a St. Patrick's Day parade
longer to pass a bootlegging joint than any
other point on the line of march.
* * *
The High Cost of Babies
The following is an original advertisement
appearing in the Genesee (Idaho) News:
Eight Months' Warning.
After October 1st, all babies C. O. P.
W. H. Ehlen, M. D.
H. Rouse, M. D.
Age and her little brother will always tell
on a girl.
%: i£ i£
They nicknamed the baby Steamboat because
they used a paddle behind.
* * *
A little boy wrote a composition on man and
he said it was a person split half way up and
who walks on the split end.
* * *
Something to Worry About
The pulse of Napoleon is said to have made
only 50 beats a minute.
% St *
According to new regulations in the British army, each
soldier in barracks is allowed 600 cubic feet of air space,
and if the diet of the British soldier is the same as that of
the Yank, the 600 feet is none too much.
62 Captain Billy's Whiz Bang
niiniiminillimmiiu iu;i;:!i: :::(;:!!! :;iimi miiiiiiMUijuiiimSmimillllimiJill mil
Our Rural Mail Box
Dorothy — Your friend has been spoofing
you. Beware of freak poker games. If you
want to bet, cross the line to Tiajuana.
* # *
George — Stick 'em under the mattress to
crease 'em but don't have the baby in bed.
* * *
Stock Clerk — There is only one sure way of
making money following the ponies.
Madame Bozo — Stout women should not
wear tight waists. Sizes up to 48 bust in base-
* =fc *
Howsitt Pheal — You won't mind wearing
amber glasses in the Islands, Howsitt, you'll
get color blind anyhow.
Dottie — When he begins by saying, "Little
girl, I'm old enough to be your father" — well,
George — It is rude for a man to fall asleep
while his wife is talking, but a man has to sleep
Caplain Billy's Whiz Bang 63
Nisbet — You're like the Scotchman who
said "Don't be backward in coming forward."
* * *
Luscious Lizzie — It is not considered cor-
rect table manners to blow on your coffee to
cool it. You had better pour it in your saucer.
^ ^ *
Silas Sawyer — Chewing tobacco is all right
in its place. Refrain, however, from using it
for decorative purposes.
Al B. Kirk — A Whuzzat is a trained tobacco-
chewing dog employed by the Southern Railway
to run alongside of fast express trains to spit
on the coach trucks to keep the hot boxes from
* ♦ %
Fat Man — Your meaning is not quite clear.
Do I understand you to say you cannot dance
except with a concave partner?
* * *
Johnny — I can't use your story of the stove-
pipe. It isn't clean.
* * *
Sapp — If you want a set of teeth inserted,
would advise that you go and kick some cross
* * *
Restauranteur — A swell meal would be dried
apples and water, and you can get a chicken
dinner for ten cents at any feed store.
A Christmas Gift!
Whiz Bang's greatest book — The Winter An-
nual Pedigreed Follies of 1921-22 — hot off the
press. Orders are now being mailed. There will
be no delay as long as the supply lasts. If your
news stand's quota is sold out —
PIN A DOLLAR BILL
Or your check, money order or stamps
To the coupon on the opposite page.
And receive our 256-page bound volume of
jokes, jests, jingles, stories, pot pourri, mail bag
and Smokehouse poetry. The best collection ever
put in print.
Last year our Annual (which was only one-
fourth as large as the 1921-22 book) was sold out
on the Pacific Coast within three or four days,
and not a copy could be bought anywhere in the
United States within ten days.
So hurry up! First Come will be First Served!
Pin your dollar bill to the coupon and mail to
the Whiz Bansr Farm, Robbinsdale, Minn.
Don't write for early back copies of our regular issues.
We haven't any left.
In addition to republication of gems of earlier Issues
of Captain Billy's Whiz Bang, the first complete Winter
Annual of this great family journal : contains a large
Variety of brand new jokes, jests, jfngles, pot pourrl,
ies and smokehouse poetry. . This book, Pedigreed
-1-22, contains four times as much reading
ma: ie regular issue of the Whiz Bang and sells
dollar per copy. It is a book which will be
.die a to come, and holds
a of red-blooded poetry yet put in
print. Included in the list are:
Johnnie and Frankie, The Face on the Barroom Floor,
The Shooting of Dan McSrew, The Harpy, La sea (in full),
The Girl In the Blue Velvet Band, Langdon Smith's "Evo-
lution," Advice to Men, Advice to Women, Our Own Fairy
Queen, Stunning Percy LaDue, Parody on Kipling's "The
Ladies," Toledo Slim.
Orders are now being received and wiTI be mailed in
ed. Ttar off the
■nd mail to us today with your check,
der or stamps.
jsed Is dollar bill, check,- mo/iey order or stamps
for $1.0v oh ptsa'se send rr-.e the Winter Annual
; Follies of
Whiz Bang is on sale
at all leading hotels,
news stands, 25 cents
single copies; on trains
30 cents, or may be
ordered direct from
the publisher at 25
cents single copies;
two-fifty a year.
One dollar for the